Enter The V-Men

ALL THOSE STORIES PEOPLE TELL ABOUT LEBANESE MEN BEING THE MOST MACHO, TESTOSTERONEFILLED APES ON THE PLANET ARE SLOWLY DISSOLVING. THIS MANLY LEBANESE SPECIMEN IS NOW CONSIDERED AN ENDANGERED SPECIES AND IS BEING REPLACED BY A NEW RACE: THE THIRD GENDER.
I call them Vagina’d Men.
What is going on in this country? Young men used to be egotistical, burly, aggressive, possessive, jealous and completely detestable. Young men were players and strived to become the ultimate Jagal by going out with a slew of girls and keeping their dating options wide open. Girls were “supposed” to be trophy girlfriends, a hot little accessory to show off. Girls weren’t allowed to have needs, couldn’t date like guys did and were expected to satisfy their man –without losing their integrity and honor. And I’m not talking about a century ago, people; this was the situation until relatively recent times. Things have changed drastically and the roles are reversed. Let’s analyze the role shift.
Exhibit A CLINGINESS
Guy meets Girl. Guy likes Girl. Guy asks Girl out. Guy and Girl have a great first date. Girl doesn’t call Guy the next morning and Guy starts worrying that she hated the date and hated him. Guy calls Girl at 10:30 am and tries not to be annoying on the phone –calling Girl “hayete” with that voice that reeks of infatuation doesn’t help Guy’s case here. Guy asks Girl why she hasn’t call and Girl replies that she hasn’t woken up yet to even think about calling. Guy is relieved and asks to see Girl that very night. Girl already has plans for the evening and they don’t see each other that night, severely disappointing Guy. In normal situations, he has the right to be a bit let down but should get over it quickly –the girl he likes has a social life, isn’t that better than being a pariah? Guys today do not get over it. Hello? They’ve known each other for a total of 48 hours! People don’t fall in love in a couple days. This isn’t High School Musical.
When they do start dating, he becomes Mr. Cellophane! This isn’t John C Reilly’s Mr. Cellophane from critically acclaimed Chicago I’m talking about, this is Mr. Cling Film! He wants to see his girl constantly (yes, she belongs to him already), so he joins the places she attends. He changes his routine to make sure that she’s the center of his entire existence, forgoing his own life in the process. Girl’s night out becomes his worst nightmare, since he can’t see her.
Exhibit B WHINING
“WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL ME?”
“WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU?”
“WHY WON’T YOU SPEND THE WEEKEND WITH ME?”
“WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO INTRODUCE ME TO YOUR PARENTS?”
“WHY WON’T YOU LIST ME AS YOUR BOYFRIEND ON FACEBOOK?”
Need we say more?
Exhibit C COMMITMENT
Where did the Chandler Bing-like guys go? You know, the guy that’s afraid of commitment and wants to live his life to the fullest because he’s only 29 and wants to enjoy his youth while he still has it? Where are the guys that bristled at the mere thought of marriage and are incapable of thinking in the future tense? What happened to men who viewed commitment as I view Pennywise the clown: something terrifying and to be avoided at all costs? Where are the guys that want to have fun, eat well, drink well, dance well and, well, to be honest, have good sex? What happened to the guys that liked one-night stands and casual flings? When were they replaced with Mr. Marriage and Colonel Commitment?
They transform from that hot guy that can kiss your socks off to a proud, father-like serious boyfriend who now kisses you goodnight on the forehead! He takes you to a well-lit restaurant and wants to talk about the future! He mentions weddings and growing old together and wants you to seriously think about what you’ll be naming your children. He no longer smirks sexily when you saunter towards him, but smiles fondly and ruffles your hair. In one month, these guys go from commitment-phobics to please-marry-me- Bobs.
Exhibit D THE BREAKUP BLUES
I remember a time where young men who were dumped or left their girlfriends would suck it up in public and never let anyone see that they were affected by the end of their relationship, no matter how epic. Today, all I see is depressed guys who blab about their emotions online, openly weep about the breakup and their feelings. If you thought PMS-riddled girls were dangerous, steer clear of young Lebanese men who have just broken up. It’s not that girls don’t appreciate sensitive men, but seeing a guy blowing his nose and moaning about how he was crushed by the love of his life leaving him gets kinda weird.
AND GUYS WHO HAVE BEEN DUMPED DO NOT LET THINGS GO. Girls have to break up with them several times before they get the message: IT’S OVER! Girls try everything short of renting a plane and sky writing. The Facebook relationship status the guy had clamored for is removed, the profile picture is changed, the caller ID becomes less personalized… Guys send sms-es to which girls don’t reply, and then revert to calling. When that doesn’t work, stalking commences. They start roaming the places their exes go to:
COME ON, YOU “JUST HAPPENED” TO BE WAITING OUTSIDE MY UNIVERSITY WHEN MY CLASS ENDED, YOU WHO HAD MY SCHEDULE MEMORIZED? YOU JUST HAPPENED TO START WORKING OUT AT THE GYM I GO TO? YOU JUST HAPPENED TO FALL IN LOVE WITH THE PUB YOU REFUSED TO ACCOMPANY ME TO WHEN WE WERE DATING? But the cherry on top of that sloppy breakup cake is how they claim that they’re completely fine and want to be “just friends” with their exes. This while texting, calling and stalking said ex-girlfriends and lying about it to everyone, including their family and closest friends. Clinginess, whining, a desire for commitment and postbreakup blues… those are the traits that stand for the men we meet these days.
What happened to the hot, cheeky guy I fell for? He started acting like my dad and then like a kicked puppy when I left him. What happened to Mr. Hot Stuff? He wanted to get married right now and I just wanted a fling. Not meaning to sound too crude, but where are their balls? I mean, they act like a mixture of Martha Stewart and a Desperate Housewife –what gives? So be careful what you wish for, ladies… you wanted more sensitive, amorous and commitment-friendly men? You’ve got ‘em. You can have those V-Men, just give back my fun-loving, motorcycle riding, leather-jacket-wearing sexy specimen of masculine perfection with a knee-weakening smirk –at least while I’m young!