Being a single mom is a fact of life for some women. It's a difficult job, but with a positive attitude ,life can offer you and your children so much more!
STARTING OVER:
'It is not possible to let go of the past,' points out Dr. Josette Abdalla, professor of psychology at the American University in Cairo. However, it is vital to empty your negative emotional baggage if you want to succeed at your new role of being a single mom. According to Dr. Abdalla, 'You have to get rid of the bitterness, stress and frustrations of the past.'
You can achieve this in many ways. For example, talk to someone who will encourage you and help you point out the positive things in your life. You can also help your trusted family members and friends understand what you need from them in terms of support. This communication and support will help you 'and#8230; downplay the past, playing up only on the positive aspects in your past experiences, and build up on the current and future potentials,' explains Dr. Abdalla.
Once you've drained all your unwanted emotional baggage you'll find it easier to take a 'and#8230; simple, direct, and practical outlook on life which is the best way to get rid of the dramatic past and look towards a better present and future,' adds Dr. Abdalla. Be careful not to make the fact that you're a single mom a scapegoat to all your problems; it will make you resentful to such a strength-demanding role.
YOU'RE NOT ALONE:
Every once in a while to give yourself a boost, take the time to look at other people's similar experiences. Find out more about other people's reactions and sentiments, possibly by exploring family-related sites on the net. When you relate to strangers, this gives you a sense of belonging, familiarity, and most of all inspiration. According to Dr. Abdalla, this will open your heart and mind to practical suggestions or a sense of humor that will help you take daily events in stride.
DON'T OVERCROWD YOUR LIFE :
Don't swamp your life with unnecessary errands and activities, this will build a wall between you and the kids and will eventually wear you out. Focus on something you can do together. Make sure that any activity your children participate in relates to their interests.
BUILD A HEALTHY SOCIAL ENVIRONMENT:
Surround yourself with people you care about and who care about you. It is healthy to have people who are positive influences and are an inspiration in your life. Also, keep an open channel of communication with your children's teachers and care-givers, and talk to your kids about them (how they make them feel and what they are learning from them). Involving yourself in the relationships that your kids develop in their daily life may bring comfort and a sense of security to both you and them.
TIME TOGETHER:
Some single moms are overwhelmed with responsibilities that they didn't have before, such as driving the children to activities all the time, or handling their children's problems with school or friends on their own. Having to take on a job makes time more scarce and pressured as well. Whether working full-time, part-time, inside the home, outside the home or not working at all, your time with your children should be a priority. Dr. Abdalla advises, 'Working full-time is ok if the mother can find solutions that meet both her and the child's needs.' She continues, 'The quality of time shared with the child is the secretand#8230; Careful organization, prioritization, sharing of responsibility and an understanding of the child's physical, mental, social, and psychological needs is necessary.' Quality time with your kids should be stress-free and should be a chance for you to share and grow together.
Dr. Gayle Peterson, family therapist specializing in prenatal and family development, explains, 'Staying connected to your child's daily life is the key to developing his sense of value.' This could include, for example, arranging a homework schedule for your child. She reiterates the importance of maintaining a strong bond with your children and advises that you should never exclude yourself from their lives.
BE LOVING, BUT DON'T OVERDO IT:
Don't become a 'genie in a bottle' for your children. Some mothers take the father's absence as a time to compensate their children for the new situation they're in, and to give in to buying and lavishing them with everything they ask for, even if they would have never done so in the past. This is the best way to lose the upper hand and gladly hand it over to your kids. So love them, but make sure you don't lose discipline in the meantime.
GET ORGANIZED:
Make sure to keep a calendar as it will help you improve your time management. Involve your kids by hanging the calendar in the house so that they know what you are all doing and when, and how you can access each other. Always leave some time that has not been accounted for in case anything comes up. If you have some free time, relax and enjoy it together as a family.
IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY!
Money becomes a major concern for single moms who have lost the father's support to the family. If your finances are low, this is no reason to become depressed and stop appreciating the finer things in life. On the contrary, this may be just the place to start! For example, learn how make presents for each other, from the net or through books, instead of buying them; it's cheaper and more fun. Sometimes all you and your kids need is to feel love and warmth. 'Even older kids enjoy a back rub and [a nice conversation with] you as they relax at the end of a long day,' explains Dr. Peterson.
RECHARGE!
'Happier women make happier mothers,' Dr. Peterson emphasizes. You don't have to sky dive in order to renew your energy, sometimes it only takes playing your favorite song and swaying with it! Dr. Abdalla explains that by saving some private time for yourself, 'it allows you to think, examine the pros and cons, cultivate your assets and organize yourself in accordance with daily needs and future expectations.' According to Dr. Peterson a regular renewal of energy will nourish your patience and help it grow.
WHEN IT COMES TO DADDY:
Whether children are young or old, it is best that they know the basic facts about the situation (according to their age), even if these may include harsh facts such as the father dying, remarrying, etc. Mothers should try not to add their own 'salt and pepper' to the issue. Dr. Abdalla further emphasizes that mothers must realize that any pain they are feeling is their own private experience, not something to be thrown on the children. 'Drawing a picture of the absent parent with positive as well as negative aspects in as simplified and direct a manner as possible is recommended.' It's not only unhealthy to bad mouth the absent father, it's also unhealthy to turn him into superman, if deceased for example. Make sure to be truthful to your children, while taking their ages into consideration.
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