You love sports, but your child loves reading. You’re outgoing, but your child is shy. You’re a doctor, but your child wants to be an artist. How do you raise a child who is very different from you?
Many parents want to see themselves reflected in their children, either through physical or behavioral traits, explains Abier Barbary, psychology instructor and counselor at the American University in Cairo. Many parents also find it challenging to raise a child who has a very different personality. If you’re trying to understand how your child could be so different from you, according to Barbary, many experts believe we are simply born with certain personality traits, in the same way we are born with certain physical ones. “From a scientific research point of view, there’s a lot of proof that most of the behavioral characteristics that we think of as being environmentally affected do have a huge genetic basis as well,” she explains.
Why you shouldn’t try to make your child a mirror of you?
It may be tempting for a parent to push a child with a very different personality to do things the parent's way, but that’s not the answer. Barbary explains that it is essential to accept children for who they are because if you don’t, they may suffer. For example, if you push an artistic child to be excellent at science because that’s your field, your child can learn to be competent at science, but he will never really excel, because he is not being himself and nurturing his own talents. As a result, his self-esteem may drop. “When you’re constantly trying to do something that’s imposed on you, instead of something that comes naturally from within, you always have that questioning doubt about anything that you do,” she adds.
According to Barbary, much of our confidence stems from our sense of “self-efficacy,” which is how much we believe we can function and be efficient at anything we attempt. Children who are constantly pushed to act in a way that doesn’t come naturally may have a low sense of self-efficacy and will not feel motivated to try anything new, because they doubt that they can succeed. “Children with a high sense of self-efficacy will probably be more highly motivated, because they have a positive expectation of the outcome,” explains Barbary.
WHAT TO DO
You want your child to have high self-esteem, and you want to have a good relationship with him, but you don’t really understand him. He is very different from you, and you are concerned about those differences. How do you handle this situation?
Take a good look at your concern
Genuinely ask yourself: “Why is the difference bothering me?” recommends Barbary. Are you anxious because you simply want your child to be more like you, or because your child would have a higher quality of life if he was more athletic or sociable, for example? To get a more objective perspective, find out whether other people who know your child have the same concern. Barbary suggests that getting the teacher’s perspective is also helpful because the teacher sees your child in a different environment than you do.
Get your child’s point of view
If you feel your concern is genuinely linked to your child’s quality of life, get your child’s point of view on the issue. “It’s really important for the parents to be able to sit down and talk to their children and get honest answers, not the answers they expect to hear. And many times kids are very much in tune to that. If they recognize that the parent might get angry at something, they probably won’t say it. If the child feels that the environment is open enough that he can talk, he probably will be honest and talk,” explains Barbary.
Let’s say that your child dislikes sports, but you feel he or she would be healthier with more exercise. By asking your child how he feels and really listening to the answers, you may find a solution. Barbary explains, “If children are given the chance to explore, they will find their own favorite. With something like sports, it’s important to recognize what it is about sports that the child is rejecting. Is it team sports, or is it the fact that they have to be coached?”
When you help your child pinpoint exactly what he or she dislikes about sports, you can usually get around it and find something the child will enjoy. “Whether it’s a game of hide and seek, or whether it’s something like swimming, it’s important to find something the child likes, and in the rare case where children are put off by [athletics] for some reason… they may lean towards another activity, maybe crafts or writing or coloring, in which case it’s important to nurture that as well. Whatever a child has an affinity for and goes towards it’s important for them to get support and to get it nourished,” advises Barbary.
Appreciate your child and express it
Do not point out the things you dislike about your children; rather look for their wonderful qualities and talents. Encourage those qualities, and praise your children as often as possible for them.
Barbary advises, “[Remember] that your children aren’t really yours… meaning they’re not for you to keep forever and ever. Children are given as a gift from God so that you do the best you can in making this human being into a better human being. That’s the parents’ job. It’s not really their job to make this person perfect. It’s important to nurture what you have. You’re given so many different things in a child: they can have their strengths and they can also have their weaknesses. They may be good at one thing and bad at another, like [all] human beings.”
Open your mind and embrace what your child loves
Sometimes accepting your child means that you need to open your mind to things that you haven’t accepted or been exposed to before. Use this as a chance to learn something new. For instance, if you are a doctor whose child is interested in art and design, rather than dismiss art because you don’t understand it, make the effort to explore the art world with your child. Go to art exhibitions with your child and learn about art together.
“It’s important at any age when you recognize that you’re child’s personality is a clash with yours, that you open your mind to whatever it is that your child embraces,” advises Barbary. By doing so, you are much more likely to have a happy relationship with your child. “It really does wonders when children grow up in a family where parents are open-minded and willing to explore things with their kids as opposed to one where parents limit themselves,” she adds. “My final advice would be for parents to act out of an embracing attitude… Embrace the differences that your children bring into your home… Include them in your family dynamic,” concludes Barbary.
Many parents want to see themselves reflected in their children, either through physical or behavioral traits, explains Abier Barbary, psychology instructor and counselor at the American University in Cairo. Many parents also find it challenging to raise a child who has a very different personality. If you’re trying to understand how your child could be so different from you, according to Barbary, many experts believe we are simply born with certain personality traits, in the same way we are born with certain physical ones. “From a scientific research point of view, there’s a lot of proof that most of the behavioral characteristics that we think of as being environmentally affected do have a huge genetic basis as well,” she explains.
Why you shouldn’t try to make your child a mirror of you?
It may be tempting for a parent to push a child with a very different personality to do things the parent's way, but that’s not the answer. Barbary explains that it is essential to accept children for who they are because if you don’t, they may suffer. For example, if you push an artistic child to be excellent at science because that’s your field, your child can learn to be competent at science, but he will never really excel, because he is not being himself and nurturing his own talents. As a result, his self-esteem may drop. “When you’re constantly trying to do something that’s imposed on you, instead of something that comes naturally from within, you always have that questioning doubt about anything that you do,” she adds.
According to Barbary, much of our confidence stems from our sense of “self-efficacy,” which is how much we believe we can function and be efficient at anything we attempt. Children who are constantly pushed to act in a way that doesn’t come naturally may have a low sense of self-efficacy and will not feel motivated to try anything new, because they doubt that they can succeed. “Children with a high sense of self-efficacy will probably be more highly motivated, because they have a positive expectation of the outcome,” explains Barbary.
WHAT TO DO
You want your child to have high self-esteem, and you want to have a good relationship with him, but you don’t really understand him. He is very different from you, and you are concerned about those differences. How do you handle this situation?
Take a good look at your concern
Genuinely ask yourself: “Why is the difference bothering me?” recommends Barbary. Are you anxious because you simply want your child to be more like you, or because your child would have a higher quality of life if he was more athletic or sociable, for example? To get a more objective perspective, find out whether other people who know your child have the same concern. Barbary suggests that getting the teacher’s perspective is also helpful because the teacher sees your child in a different environment than you do.
Get your child’s point of view
If you feel your concern is genuinely linked to your child’s quality of life, get your child’s point of view on the issue. “It’s really important for the parents to be able to sit down and talk to their children and get honest answers, not the answers they expect to hear. And many times kids are very much in tune to that. If they recognize that the parent might get angry at something, they probably won’t say it. If the child feels that the environment is open enough that he can talk, he probably will be honest and talk,” explains Barbary.
Let’s say that your child dislikes sports, but you feel he or she would be healthier with more exercise. By asking your child how he feels and really listening to the answers, you may find a solution. Barbary explains, “If children are given the chance to explore, they will find their own favorite. With something like sports, it’s important to recognize what it is about sports that the child is rejecting. Is it team sports, or is it the fact that they have to be coached?”
When you help your child pinpoint exactly what he or she dislikes about sports, you can usually get around it and find something the child will enjoy. “Whether it’s a game of hide and seek, or whether it’s something like swimming, it’s important to find something the child likes, and in the rare case where children are put off by [athletics] for some reason… they may lean towards another activity, maybe crafts or writing or coloring, in which case it’s important to nurture that as well. Whatever a child has an affinity for and goes towards it’s important for them to get support and to get it nourished,” advises Barbary.
Appreciate your child and express it
Do not point out the things you dislike about your children; rather look for their wonderful qualities and talents. Encourage those qualities, and praise your children as often as possible for them.
Barbary advises, “[Remember] that your children aren’t really yours… meaning they’re not for you to keep forever and ever. Children are given as a gift from God so that you do the best you can in making this human being into a better human being. That’s the parents’ job. It’s not really their job to make this person perfect. It’s important to nurture what you have. You’re given so many different things in a child: they can have their strengths and they can also have their weaknesses. They may be good at one thing and bad at another, like [all] human beings.”
Open your mind and embrace what your child loves
Sometimes accepting your child means that you need to open your mind to things that you haven’t accepted or been exposed to before. Use this as a chance to learn something new. For instance, if you are a doctor whose child is interested in art and design, rather than dismiss art because you don’t understand it, make the effort to explore the art world with your child. Go to art exhibitions with your child and learn about art together.
“It’s important at any age when you recognize that you’re child’s personality is a clash with yours, that you open your mind to whatever it is that your child embraces,” advises Barbary. By doing so, you are much more likely to have a happy relationship with your child. “It really does wonders when children grow up in a family where parents are open-minded and willing to explore things with their kids as opposed to one where parents limit themselves,” she adds. “My final advice would be for parents to act out of an embracing attitude… Embrace the differences that your children bring into your home… Include them in your family dynamic,” concludes Barbary.
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