Psychology: Getting Over Loss

Anyone who has lost a loved one is familiar with the overwhelming sense of sorrow we feel in reaction to trying to accept that they are gone. Sometimes grief is anticipatory such as in a situation where we are aware of a terminal illness or anticipating an impending death so mourning actually begins before the person has passed. However most of the time, when death knocks, we are not prepared for this incredibly powerful and painful psychological experience that can temporarily devastate our entire existence.

After a significant loss, we go through all kinds of emotions; some never sensed or experienced before. At times it is difficult to even define or express what it is we’re feeling since there are so many new sensations encountered. The worst part is that every so often these sentiments are so strong that we might feel as if they will never pass.
Shock, anger, sadness, guilt, resentment, fear, confusion are some of the preliminary waves of emotions that carry us away into a dark and lonely sea. Coming to terms with these emotions is a personal encounter that varies from person to person, depending on the loss experienced. These differences are influenced by your personality, tolerance to pain, coping style, attachment style, attitude towards death and the after life, culture, previous experience with loss, and support system.
Unfortunately some people do not acknowledge these differences and incorrectly believe that there are some set rules associated with the bereavement (mourning) process.
Among these myths include:
• The grieving process should last for about a year – There is no specific time frame associated with trying to recover from the loss of a loved one.
• You will feel better if you ignore it or distract yourself with other activities – Keeping busy and engaged in your daily rituals is important however in order to heal in a healthy and permanent manner, we shouldn’t try and repress those difficult and painful emotions. They need to be confronted and dealt with.
• Crying is an important and necessary part of this process – Yes, it is however not everyone cries and more importantly not everyone is comfortable crying in the presence of others, while others can cry us a river quite uninhibitedly so try and not use this as a yard stick for how difficult or easy the grieving process is for someone.
• You should grieve alone – Social support is one of the best ways to heal so although some periods of seclusion is craved, spending time with others can be very comforting and helpful.
• Younger people get over bereavement quicker - Age is not an indicator of the way in which a person might grieve.
• Grieving is only psychological – Unfortunately this is untrue and the mind and body are connected in every way. Eating and sleep patterns need to be closely monitored so that the system doesn’t get into a vicious cycle of both poor emotional and physical health.
In order to shed more light on this emotional rollercoaster, psychologists such as Elisabeth Kübler-Ross talk about what is known as the “five stages of grief.”
These are:
Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”
These stages are complex and multifaceted. Some may remain in one stage longer than another or even regress to earlier stages as time moves on, before reaching acceptance.
Perhaps the most destructive emotion and important part of this discussion is dealing with unresolved guilt. Of course prevention is much better than cure in this regard and therefore we should be both appreciative and mindful of our loved ones when they are alive and present so that we don’t have any regrets when they are gone.