By: Hugh Wilson
It’s not just women who can treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen. It works for men, too.
You’ve probably heard the old cliche that women who play hard to get tend to get what they want. Men become infatuated with girls who keep their distance.
And actually, research suggests it’s true - there is an allure in being a little distant and standoffish. But happily, the research is not gender specific. Men can benefit from learning how to play hard to get too.
Here’s why men should treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen - at least for a little while.
The latest research
The latest research from the University of Western Sydney and Singapore Management University found that playing hard to get could actually be hardwired into human relationships.
They also found that, although women were the masters when it came to treating partners and potential partners mean, men did it too. It worked equally well for both genders.
They also identified 58 strategies for playing hard to get, from flirting with others and being ‘snooty’ to letting a potential partner’s calls divert to voicemail.
The study of 1,500 men and women found that women were more likely to withhold sex and turn down a few dates initially, but in other respects men also played hard to get.
So why has playing hard to get become such an integral part of human dating strategies? According to the researchers, it could be a way of testing a partner’s commitment. A man or woman who sticks around even after being ignored or treated indifferently is likely to be in it for the long haul. If women practise it a little more than men it’s because they’re potentially looking for the toughest commitment of all - a partner who will be around to help raise children.
Playing hard to get works
Should men play hard to get? Well, it works, at least as far as the research is concerned.
A study published a couple of years ago in the journal of the Association for Psychological Science found what you’d pretty much expect it to find: that women are attracted to men who appear to be attracted to them, and indifferent to men who are indifferent to them.
But the surprising part was this. Women were most attracted to men whose feelings towards them were uncertain or vague. In other words, they liked the men who obviously liked them, but were most intrigued by the men whose intentions they couldn’t quite work out.
Why might that be? Psychologists believe there may be something called ‘salience’ going on. In these circumstances it simply means keeping yourself at the forefront of her thoughts. By keeping her guessing, you’re making sure she can’t stop thinking about you, if only because she’s trying to work you out.
Of course, horrible things can stay at the forefront of our thoughts, too, so thinking about you a lot might not be the same as fancying you a lot. But here’s the good bit. According to Erin Whitchurch, one of the study’s authors, women may mistake their own confusion for being attracted to the person they can’t stop thinking about.
“Rather than recognise that it [thinking about you a lot] is because of the uncertainty, they assume it must be because they’re attracted to the person,” she says.
You’re not a player
There’s another reason playing hard to get works for men. It marks you out as being selective. You don’t just sleep with anyone in a skirt. You don’t date just any girl who shows the slightest interest in you.
And that looks good on her - if she gets you. By playing hard to get you become a challenge worthy of her efforts.
A fine line
But we need to sound a note of caution here. Vague interest is not the same as disinterest. Playing hard to get is not the same as appearing impossible to get.
Psychologists still say that, fundamentally, we fancy people who are likely to fancy us. So as a dating strategy, playing hard to get has to walk a fine line. If she thinks your vague interest is disinterest, she’ll move on to someone else.
So hint at your interest, flirt with her a little (and perhaps flirt with other women a little too), throw her the odd glance before turning back to your conversation with the boys, suggest the two of you go for a drink sometime but be a little vague about when, let her call go to voicemail and then leave it the rest of the day before returning her call.
How long to play hard to get for? It’s up to you to judge. Maybe till the first date or the first night together. It’s probably best not to play too long.
The only certainty is that at some point, you have to let yourself be caught. Once she’s started showing real interest, start to appear friendlier and more approachable. Let her think her feminine charm is breaking down your barriers.
So play hard to get, but not too hard. Do it right and the good news is that, according to experts, playing hard to get works for men as well as it does for women. Learning a few techniques can add a useful string to your dating bow.
It’s not just women who can treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen. It works for men, too.
You’ve probably heard the old cliche that women who play hard to get tend to get what they want. Men become infatuated with girls who keep their distance.
And actually, research suggests it’s true - there is an allure in being a little distant and standoffish. But happily, the research is not gender specific. Men can benefit from learning how to play hard to get too.
Here’s why men should treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen - at least for a little while.
The latest research
The latest research from the University of Western Sydney and Singapore Management University found that playing hard to get could actually be hardwired into human relationships.
They also found that, although women were the masters when it came to treating partners and potential partners mean, men did it too. It worked equally well for both genders.
They also identified 58 strategies for playing hard to get, from flirting with others and being ‘snooty’ to letting a potential partner’s calls divert to voicemail.
The study of 1,500 men and women found that women were more likely to withhold sex and turn down a few dates initially, but in other respects men also played hard to get.
So why has playing hard to get become such an integral part of human dating strategies? According to the researchers, it could be a way of testing a partner’s commitment. A man or woman who sticks around even after being ignored or treated indifferently is likely to be in it for the long haul. If women practise it a little more than men it’s because they’re potentially looking for the toughest commitment of all - a partner who will be around to help raise children.
Playing hard to get works
Should men play hard to get? Well, it works, at least as far as the research is concerned.
A study published a couple of years ago in the journal of the Association for Psychological Science found what you’d pretty much expect it to find: that women are attracted to men who appear to be attracted to them, and indifferent to men who are indifferent to them.
But the surprising part was this. Women were most attracted to men whose feelings towards them were uncertain or vague. In other words, they liked the men who obviously liked them, but were most intrigued by the men whose intentions they couldn’t quite work out.
Why might that be? Psychologists believe there may be something called ‘salience’ going on. In these circumstances it simply means keeping yourself at the forefront of her thoughts. By keeping her guessing, you’re making sure she can’t stop thinking about you, if only because she’s trying to work you out.
Of course, horrible things can stay at the forefront of our thoughts, too, so thinking about you a lot might not be the same as fancying you a lot. But here’s the good bit. According to Erin Whitchurch, one of the study’s authors, women may mistake their own confusion for being attracted to the person they can’t stop thinking about.
“Rather than recognise that it [thinking about you a lot] is because of the uncertainty, they assume it must be because they’re attracted to the person,” she says.
You’re not a player
There’s another reason playing hard to get works for men. It marks you out as being selective. You don’t just sleep with anyone in a skirt. You don’t date just any girl who shows the slightest interest in you.
And that looks good on her - if she gets you. By playing hard to get you become a challenge worthy of her efforts.
A fine line
But we need to sound a note of caution here. Vague interest is not the same as disinterest. Playing hard to get is not the same as appearing impossible to get.
Psychologists still say that, fundamentally, we fancy people who are likely to fancy us. So as a dating strategy, playing hard to get has to walk a fine line. If she thinks your vague interest is disinterest, she’ll move on to someone else.
So hint at your interest, flirt with her a little (and perhaps flirt with other women a little too), throw her the odd glance before turning back to your conversation with the boys, suggest the two of you go for a drink sometime but be a little vague about when, let her call go to voicemail and then leave it the rest of the day before returning her call.
How long to play hard to get for? It’s up to you to judge. Maybe till the first date or the first night together. It’s probably best not to play too long.
The only certainty is that at some point, you have to let yourself be caught. Once she’s started showing real interest, start to appear friendlier and more approachable. Let her think her feminine charm is breaking down your barriers.
So play hard to get, but not too hard. Do it right and the good news is that, according to experts, playing hard to get works for men as well as it does for women. Learning a few techniques can add a useful string to your dating bow.
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