1. RELIVE YOUR YOUTH
Tell your partner (girlfriend or spouse) that you wish you were a teenager again. Tell her often and loud. She’ll be so thrilled that you want to revert back to not wearing pressed shirts and holding down a stable job. It may even remind her that you and your hoser friends used to smoke pot all the time. She’ll find this super attractive, especially since it kills your ambition, which ties in nicely to being a stoned teenager with no prospects and assets. This relates to number 2.
Tell your partner (girlfriend or spouse) that you wish you were a teenager again. Tell her often and loud. She’ll be so thrilled that you want to revert back to not wearing pressed shirts and holding down a stable job. It may even remind her that you and your hoser friends used to smoke pot all the time. She’ll find this super attractive, especially since it kills your ambition, which ties in nicely to being a stoned teenager with no prospects and assets. This relates to number 2.
2. SPONTANEOUSLY DECLARE THE DESIRE TO CHANGE CAREERS
This one is especially good for men 30 years old and above. Tell your partner that your long coveted dream of being the next Tiesto needs to happen. Explain that your career as a successful professional isn’t fulfilling your “creative side” and doesn’t “nourish” your “artist’s spirit”. Amplify this by showing her pictures of your boy band from high school and relive your best frat house performances in an articulate play by play. Include the part about it being the “best keg party ever”.
This one is especially good for men 30 years old and above. Tell your partner that your long coveted dream of being the next Tiesto needs to happen. Explain that your career as a successful professional isn’t fulfilling your “creative side” and doesn’t “nourish” your “artist’s spirit”. Amplify this by showing her pictures of your boy band from high school and relive your best frat house performances in an articulate play by play. Include the part about it being the “best keg party ever”.
3. PUT YOURSELF FIRST… ALWAYS!
Share your need to be self-indulgent. Do so in the following manner, “Babe, I know you think I’m being really selfish lately, but I need to do this for me, okay? Really, I need to put myself first.” Back this up by giving her examples of all the times you pissed her off royally, like agreeing to a guy’s trip when you already had plans to be with her. Ignore the voice in your head that tells you how much of a jackass you are. Oh wait, that’s her voice! See number for more clarity on this.
Share your need to be self-indulgent. Do so in the following manner, “Babe, I know you think I’m being really selfish lately, but I need to do this for me, okay? Really, I need to put myself first.” Back this up by giving her examples of all the times you pissed her off royally, like agreeing to a guy’s trip when you already had plans to be with her. Ignore the voice in your head that tells you how much of a jackass you are. Oh wait, that’s her voice! See number for more clarity on this.
4. TALK, TALK, TALK + DON’T LISTEN
Tell your significant other that you are listening to her very valid concerns, and then promptly repeat the exact same thing you said that started the fight to begin with. Some examples of things you can repeat come from the previous 3 points: “I need to be selfish”, “I wish I was a kid again”, and “I want to work on my music” over again but reword them subtlety. Finish these statements off with something that shows you are listening: “I know you said you don’t agree but…” and redeliver your lines. Perfection!
Tell your significant other that you are listening to her very valid concerns, and then promptly repeat the exact same thing you said that started the fight to begin with. Some examples of things you can repeat come from the previous 3 points: “I need to be selfish”, “I wish I was a kid again”, and “I want to work on my music” over again but reword them subtlety. Finish these statements off with something that shows you are listening: “I know you said you don’t agree but…” and redeliver your lines. Perfection!
5. REFER TO YOUR MOTHER WARMLY + CHANGE SUBJECTS WHEN THE INEVITABLE ARGUMENT ENSUES
You can remind her how much your mother dotes on you. She writes on all of your Facebook pictures and loves when you tag her. Show this to your partner and share a chuckle over how much your momma loves you. When she reminds you that your mother is making her miserable, brush it off. We suggest you say, “But you know how my mom is, she just wants me to be happy.” This will also suggest that your partner is incapable of filling those cavernous shoes- no one can make you as happy as your mommy!
You can remind her how much your mother dotes on you. She writes on all of your Facebook pictures and loves when you tag her. Show this to your partner and share a chuckle over how much your momma loves you. When she reminds you that your mother is making her miserable, brush it off. We suggest you say, “But you know how my mom is, she just wants me to be happy.” This will also suggest that your partner is incapable of filling those cavernous shoes- no one can make you as happy as your mommy!
6. EXPECT YOUR PARTNER TO GIVE + YOU CAN DO ALL THE TAKING!
Sharing is caring so when your partner does a mountain of considerate things for you, smile and say, “Thanks, Babe”. Show her how much thought you put into your gifts by giving her carbon copies of the souvenirs you bought for other people, and mention this a few times over. When her face turns an unbecoming shade of purple, don’t worry- she is just holding her breath so the curse words don’t come flying out. Then next week get her a gift and tell her it was because you were a moron the first time around. Forget to give her a card with the second gift, so it looks like you are even less sensitive than she first thought.
Sharing is caring so when your partner does a mountain of considerate things for you, smile and say, “Thanks, Babe”. Show her how much thought you put into your gifts by giving her carbon copies of the souvenirs you bought for other people, and mention this a few times over. When her face turns an unbecoming shade of purple, don’t worry- she is just holding her breath so the curse words don’t come flying out. Then next week get her a gift and tell her it was because you were a moron the first time around. Forget to give her a card with the second gift, so it looks like you are even less sensitive than she first thought.
7. WHEN SHE NEEDS YOU
When she is sick in bed at home, BBM (or Whatsapp) her often and tell her what a great time you’re having at Caramel Club in Dubai. Tell her how packed the place is and how much you’re having to drink. This will let her live vicariously through you. Then tell her how your friends are all drunk off their asses and incoherent and that you’re taking this party to a whole new level! Forget about asking if she’s alright, no one needs reminding that they’re not feeling well. Instead, tell her to go to bed because it’s too loud at the club for you to call her and say goodnight. Presto, you’re golden!
When she is sick in bed at home, BBM (or Whatsapp) her often and tell her what a great time you’re having at Caramel Club in Dubai. Tell her how packed the place is and how much you’re having to drink. This will let her live vicariously through you. Then tell her how your friends are all drunk off their asses and incoherent and that you’re taking this party to a whole new level! Forget about asking if she’s alright, no one needs reminding that they’re not feeling well. Instead, tell her to go to bed because it’s too loud at the club for you to call her and say goodnight. Presto, you’re golden!
8. LIVE THE MORNING AFTER, RINSE + REPEAT!
The next day, call her at 2pm and tell her how hung over you are. Tell her you don’t remember what happened, and that you passed out in your clothes. Tell her the party was so good that you and the guys are all going for a late lunch to talk it over. Ask her how she’s feeling and when she says she is a bit better than yesterday, give her an encouraging, “Good, Babe” and tell her you’ll call her later. Don’t call until much later, and when she seems to be giving you attitude, don’t worry- it’s just the flu talking!
The next day, call her at 2pm and tell her how hung over you are. Tell her you don’t remember what happened, and that you passed out in your clothes. Tell her the party was so good that you and the guys are all going for a late lunch to talk it over. Ask her how she’s feeling and when she says she is a bit better than yesterday, give her an encouraging, “Good, Babe” and tell her you’ll call her later. Don’t call until much later, and when she seems to be giving you attitude, don’t worry- it’s just the flu talking!
9. DO ONE THING RIGHT EVERY DAY… THUS KEEPING YOU IN HER GOOD GRACES
You screw up often, but if you do one thing right every day, she won’t break up with you. In fact, she will point out how good you are at that very moment, and you can use that to defend yourself every time she tells you off. You can also use the best friend card here. Say, “At least I’m not like Yousef, who’s a complete asshole,” to remind her how much better you are than your friends. They’re a bunch of apes and by comparison, you’re a monkey- cute and mischievous! You see the benefits here? We’re not pros at this for nothing!
You screw up often, but if you do one thing right every day, she won’t break up with you. In fact, she will point out how good you are at that very moment, and you can use that to defend yourself every time she tells you off. You can also use the best friend card here. Say, “At least I’m not like Yousef, who’s a complete asshole,” to remind her how much better you are than your friends. They’re a bunch of apes and by comparison, you’re a monkey- cute and mischievous! You see the benefits here? We’re not pros at this for nothing!
10. SORRY IS FOR SUCKERS
Finally, the ultimate way to mess things up: don’t apologize! Ever! Never say you’re sorry until she drags it out of you tooth and nail. Make sure she has to berate you soundly, repeating your offenses for hours on end, until you apologize. This indicates to her that you are “thick-skulled” her words, “brave and unrelenting”, your words. When she goes all crazy on you, smile and tell her how she reminds you of that crazy girlfriend in the movies. Better than that even? Tell her this relationship isn’t “easy” anymore and that it’s becoming “a lot of work” at which point her head will spin like the girl from the Exorcist. You win!
Finally, the ultimate way to mess things up: don’t apologize! Ever! Never say you’re sorry until she drags it out of you tooth and nail. Make sure she has to berate you soundly, repeating your offenses for hours on end, until you apologize. This indicates to her that you are “thick-skulled” her words, “brave and unrelenting”, your words. When she goes all crazy on you, smile and tell her how she reminds you of that crazy girlfriend in the movies. Better than that even? Tell her this relationship isn’t “easy” anymore and that it’s becoming “a lot of work” at which point her head will spin like the girl from the Exorcist. You win!
Men, if you are guilty of any of the above, you’re screwing up in the major leagues. If you want to try and salvage the mess you’ve made, then you had better shape up or ship out. Your partner does not have an inexhaustible supply of energy, and we see that battery light flashing.
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