A new book says infidelity can be good for us. Is it for real?
You're in the relationship doldrums. As a couple, you're not exactly going down the tubes, but you're certainly stagnating. Your partnership needs a fresh injection of vitality or it might not make it much further.
So you have an affair. Or she does. Or you both do. And you do it because a little sexual frisson with a third party can be exactly what a relationship needs to survive.
That might sound counter-intuitive, but it's the contention of a new book by British social scientist Catherine Hakim.
In her book, The New Rules, Hakim says that a "sour and rigid English view" of infidelity is condemning millions of us to lives without passion, excitement and the sex we deserve. She says that meeting a lover for sex should be as routine as going out for a meal in a restaurant. She says, in effect, that affairs can make relationships rather than break them.
So is having an affair ever a good idea? We take a look at the evidence.
Successful affairs
Hakim says that it is possible to have "successful affairs" where nobody gets hurt and everybody benefits. She points to France and other southern European countries as examples of societies which are more accepting of infidelity and happier as a result.
She believes affairs can make relationships more stable and home lives happier.
"The fact that we eat most meals at home with spouses and partners does not preclude eating out in restaurants to sample different cuisines and ambiences, with friends or colleagues," she writes.
"Anyone rejecting a fresh approach to marriage and adultery, with a new set of rules to go with it, fails to recognise the benefits of a revitalised sex life outside the home."
Hakim believes that monogamy has had its day, and that infidelity is simply the "21st century approach to marriage". She argues that the rise of infidelity internet sites - where people in relationships can hook up for illicit sex - will bring about a major shift in sexual behaviour, and more of us will partake of - and be accepting of - affairs. We'll also come to appreciate the good they can do our primary relationships.
The monogamy fairytale
Catherine Hakim has her fair share of critics, but her book joins a lively and ongoing debate about the place of monogamy and infidelity in our society. And she isn't the only expert to suggest that monogamy is only one relationship choice among many.
Helen Croydon, author of Sugar Daddy Diaries, is another expert to question the merits of the traditional monogamous relationship. As she recently wrote:
"As much as we love to feast on the Hollywood-inspired fairytales (there is a soulmate out there who can make our dreams come true, and still make us quiver between the sheets every night), I'm afraid my research finds more evidence of boredom, bickering and monosyllabic TV dinners than passion, princes and someone who massages your feet every night."
Philosopher Alain de Botton has also pointed to the advantages of adultery in his book How to Think More About Sex. And, in their book Sex at Dawn, sex researchers Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá argue that monogamy is not the natural state of human relationships.
"Is it even possible for two people to stay together happily over an extended period of time?" they ask. "Since Darwin's day, we've been told that sexual monogamy comes naturally to our species. But it doesn't, and never has."
Like Hakim, these experts blame monogamy for our current relationship woes, from skyrocketing divorce figures to the sad and untold tales of flagging libidos and cold, passionless marriages.
None of them argue that you shouldn't be monogamous, if monogamy is what both you and your partner truly want. But many say that we should all be more accepting and less judgemental about those who do want to stray from the marital bed. Hakim even suggests that, instead of splitting families apart, partners who are bitter at a loved one's infidelity should simply go out and have an affair themselves.
What about trust?
So can affairs really be good for your relationship? Hakim and others suggest that the thrill both men and women get from infidelity can help to make our relationships happier. We wouldn't be constantly wondering what we were missing out on, or having to put up with mismatched sexual desire (you want it more than she does, or vice versa).
If we all became more accepting of affairs, they could help to cement the solidity of our relationships.
But others think that the pain-free affair is a myth. They say that this flawed concept ignores the importance of trust and the destructive power of betrayal. Many men might like the idea of sexual freedom within a relationship, but most would change their minds when they realised their wives or girlfriends were demanding sexual freedoms of their own.
"What ultimately damages a relationship is not the sexual component of an affair but the lies and deceit that accompany it," says Paula Hall, psychotherapist and author of Improving Your Relationship for Dummies.
"Trust is the bedrock of any successful relationship and when someone deliberately and knowingly breaches the trust of their partner the effects can be devastating."
Hall, along with others, admits that open relationships - where both partners are free to take lovers - can work when everyone involved is happy with the situation. But open relationships are rare.
"If a couple choose to have a non monogamous relationship where one or both of them have sex with others, and it works for them, then the relationship may benefit," she says. "But the secrecy that surrounds an affair can only damage intimacy."
It's not just the sexual and emotional betrayal that can damage relationships, experts say. What if the money spent on hotel rooms and meals with a mistress is damaging household finances? What if time spent with a lover is time away from children?
Can affairs be constructive?
It's fair to say that, despite the efforts of Hakim and others, most relationship experts would argue that affairs are betrayals and a breach of trust is never going to bring couples closer.
They make an exception for the idea of open relationships, where both partners are free to have affairs. And they admit that a secret affair might conceivably make you a happier and easier person to be around, easing tensions at home, at least in the short term. But the most pertinent question is this, they say: would that still be true when the affair is found out?
You're in the relationship doldrums. As a couple, you're not exactly going down the tubes, but you're certainly stagnating. Your partnership needs a fresh injection of vitality or it might not make it much further.
So you have an affair. Or she does. Or you both do. And you do it because a little sexual frisson with a third party can be exactly what a relationship needs to survive.
That might sound counter-intuitive, but it's the contention of a new book by British social scientist Catherine Hakim.
In her book, The New Rules, Hakim says that a "sour and rigid English view" of infidelity is condemning millions of us to lives without passion, excitement and the sex we deserve. She says that meeting a lover for sex should be as routine as going out for a meal in a restaurant. She says, in effect, that affairs can make relationships rather than break them.
So is having an affair ever a good idea? We take a look at the evidence.
Successful affairs
Hakim says that it is possible to have "successful affairs" where nobody gets hurt and everybody benefits. She points to France and other southern European countries as examples of societies which are more accepting of infidelity and happier as a result.
She believes affairs can make relationships more stable and home lives happier.
"The fact that we eat most meals at home with spouses and partners does not preclude eating out in restaurants to sample different cuisines and ambiences, with friends or colleagues," she writes.
"Anyone rejecting a fresh approach to marriage and adultery, with a new set of rules to go with it, fails to recognise the benefits of a revitalised sex life outside the home."
Hakim believes that monogamy has had its day, and that infidelity is simply the "21st century approach to marriage". She argues that the rise of infidelity internet sites - where people in relationships can hook up for illicit sex - will bring about a major shift in sexual behaviour, and more of us will partake of - and be accepting of - affairs. We'll also come to appreciate the good they can do our primary relationships.
The monogamy fairytale
Catherine Hakim has her fair share of critics, but her book joins a lively and ongoing debate about the place of monogamy and infidelity in our society. And she isn't the only expert to suggest that monogamy is only one relationship choice among many.
Helen Croydon, author of Sugar Daddy Diaries, is another expert to question the merits of the traditional monogamous relationship. As she recently wrote:
"As much as we love to feast on the Hollywood-inspired fairytales (there is a soulmate out there who can make our dreams come true, and still make us quiver between the sheets every night), I'm afraid my research finds more evidence of boredom, bickering and monosyllabic TV dinners than passion, princes and someone who massages your feet every night."
Philosopher Alain de Botton has also pointed to the advantages of adultery in his book How to Think More About Sex. And, in their book Sex at Dawn, sex researchers Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá argue that monogamy is not the natural state of human relationships.
"Is it even possible for two people to stay together happily over an extended period of time?" they ask. "Since Darwin's day, we've been told that sexual monogamy comes naturally to our species. But it doesn't, and never has."
Like Hakim, these experts blame monogamy for our current relationship woes, from skyrocketing divorce figures to the sad and untold tales of flagging libidos and cold, passionless marriages.
None of them argue that you shouldn't be monogamous, if monogamy is what both you and your partner truly want. But many say that we should all be more accepting and less judgemental about those who do want to stray from the marital bed. Hakim even suggests that, instead of splitting families apart, partners who are bitter at a loved one's infidelity should simply go out and have an affair themselves.
What about trust?
So can affairs really be good for your relationship? Hakim and others suggest that the thrill both men and women get from infidelity can help to make our relationships happier. We wouldn't be constantly wondering what we were missing out on, or having to put up with mismatched sexual desire (you want it more than she does, or vice versa).
If we all became more accepting of affairs, they could help to cement the solidity of our relationships.
But others think that the pain-free affair is a myth. They say that this flawed concept ignores the importance of trust and the destructive power of betrayal. Many men might like the idea of sexual freedom within a relationship, but most would change their minds when they realised their wives or girlfriends were demanding sexual freedoms of their own.
"What ultimately damages a relationship is not the sexual component of an affair but the lies and deceit that accompany it," says Paula Hall, psychotherapist and author of Improving Your Relationship for Dummies.
"Trust is the bedrock of any successful relationship and when someone deliberately and knowingly breaches the trust of their partner the effects can be devastating."
Hall, along with others, admits that open relationships - where both partners are free to take lovers - can work when everyone involved is happy with the situation. But open relationships are rare.
"If a couple choose to have a non monogamous relationship where one or both of them have sex with others, and it works for them, then the relationship may benefit," she says. "But the secrecy that surrounds an affair can only damage intimacy."
It's not just the sexual and emotional betrayal that can damage relationships, experts say. What if the money spent on hotel rooms and meals with a mistress is damaging household finances? What if time spent with a lover is time away from children?
Can affairs be constructive?
It's fair to say that, despite the efforts of Hakim and others, most relationship experts would argue that affairs are betrayals and a breach of trust is never going to bring couples closer.
They make an exception for the idea of open relationships, where both partners are free to have affairs. And they admit that a secret affair might conceivably make you a happier and easier person to be around, easing tensions at home, at least in the short term. But the most pertinent question is this, they say: would that still be true when the affair is found out?
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